Last night I slept like a bloody baby!
It has been the first time for a very long time that I have been able to switch off, forget about the world and all it’s nagging, horrid issues, and just sleep. It was bloody amazing.
Now I am not just writing that to make you jealous (well, not completely), but instead to acknowledge the fact I have realised an important step towards the goals I have always wanted to have for my life. Goals I think that everyone wants, but it seems only a few peeps have been able to actually accomplish them. The reason why we (both collectively and personally) don’t achieve them is because of The Fear of Failure.
Up till now, I just made do. Up till now I tried my best, until it got to scarily close to failing or the pressure was mounting that if it did fail I would look like a right numpty, which then in turn, lead to it failing.
On paper Dominic has everything going for him – and normally he, along with Mr Chapman, would be nagging at me about how pants my life is, and how I should stop being such a douche (normally brought up at some point during our monthly curry night gathering) – but literally the first thing that fell from his fingertips in to Google Talk yesterday after our usual pleasantries was “I need a holiday”.
As I info-dump all this rubbish that has been clouding my head for so long, I am reminded about a comment that I believe Martin said at our last curry extravaganza “I don’t understand why you didn’t just go into IT”. Which is a fair point. But to me because I’m a proud geek turning my hand to becoming a Sysadmin, is like saying that gays are proud so they should just become hairy fairies. The easy option is there, but I don’t want the easy option (you may have noticed). I don’t want to just conform. I don’t think anyone really wants to make do. I love being a geek, but I’m more than that. I just don’t want to it to be the thing that defines me. On my gravestone I don’t really want it to say “Here lies Leigh Brown – He sure could defrag a Hard Drive”
Surely, working each day while dealing all it’s complex issues, responsibilities and deadlines is one thing. Sitting there with a nagging longing for those often too short precious moments of ‘free time’ isn’t a way to live either? Surely that’s prostitution under a more acceptable name?
Maybe it’s because the planets have finally aligned for me and finally a path that truly makes sense to me, my goals and aspirations is sitting smartly before my feet. Or maybe I’m high from sniffing my socks again, but I am now on a mission to find a better third way. A way that tick’s Mr Neagle’s and Mr Chapman’s boxes of productive social acceptance (i.e. doing something they deem meaningful with my life – in their terms ‘GET A JOB’) while not being constricted with the horrid harshness of the 9to5 rat race. A way which means that I am able to keep doing what I love, without having stressing about ‘surviving’. A way to be able to move back to Cambridge in my own house with spunkingly fast fibre-optic broadband and adopt a dog called Baxter.
My Temporary goals
- Do something scary at least once a week
I am not talking about bungee jumping every month. (You can breathe easy now) But instead send that email that you’re worried about sending because of the possible negative outcome. Apply for the job that you reckon you probably won’t get anyway – so why bother. Step outside your comfort zone, see where it will take you.
- Go on one adventure each month
Back in the day I used to do the most stupid things – skinny dip, almost get caught having “private time” with someone in a public space, lay naked in the rain (don’t recommend it, tad nippy!) – just to be able to say I’ve done that. In recent times, I have lost that spark of adventure – even if it was only a mini adventure.
I am not saying I have all the answers – far from it. But I personally needed to info-dump this rubbish, acknowledge my short-comings and move on if I am going to take control and make something of this new found ‘enlightenment’. I am not naming and shaming Dominic & Martin. They are true friends who are concerned and worried about my well-being, and I love them for their concern. (If you tell them that I said that however, I will have to kill you)
This is why I have set the Getting Things Done 30 Day Challenge. I have already purchased the ‘Getting Things Done’ book by David Allen off eBay, and as I type this, I hope it is visking it’s way to me. As changing and challenging yourself can be big scary step, I am hoping that we can collectively support each other through the transition of reading the book. Obviously, I do not know if the book is amazing or not. I don’t know if it’ll help you or me. But it’s all about the goal of trying something new.