Thankfully I am not talking about masturbation [however one only knows I am running out of techniques] but instead I am ranting and day-dreaming about myself and how I feel rubbish about life in general [yes, that old chestnut].
At the moment it is 4am and I am three cans of cheap larger down. Normally, in these situations it takes at least five or so cans before I get thinking about these really deep foolish subjects, however it’s the beginning of the year, and so it seems this has made it ‘come on’ quicker than usual.
What I have concluded is that I am a stupid fool [yes, it has taken me this long to realise it] and a silly romantic. For the big issue I think I have to get over this year above all others is to try and get things done because I want to get them done. Up until now, and it isn’t a HUGE secret, I have been battling with depression and anxiety. And for those who have never suffered with it, it is amazingly difficult to explain how it relentlessly eats at ‘you’. ‘You’ are not important, so why try to be? ‘You’ are a douche-monkey who seems to bugger things up spectacularly, so why try to amount to more than that? ‘You’ know your place, right?
Recently however I found someone: “‘er indoors”, and things have been going well for us. It was such a refreshing and beautiful feeling to feel like I am actually worth someone’s effort and attention. It is novel, new, unique, weird, odd, different, and amazing. Pointless, endless Skype calls each day made me actually start to feel special. Make me feel as if I am worth something – anything – because someone who are not my amazing friends, or family actually thinks I am ‘special’.
The thing is, then Christmas and New Year came about, like they seem to do each year – and plans that we’d both made before we were anything more than individuals got in the way. Christmas seemed to work well, with on-the-hour [or so] SMS text messages back and forth becoming the welcomed fixture of our day. Even the long, drawn-out week between Christmas and New Year when we all start competing against ‘Best Before’ dates on the mountains of food specially brought for the ‘big day’. But when New Year came around, things seemed to change between us. Text messages took longer and longer before there was a reply. Then replies where just a word or two when before they seemed to be endless passages of fun and silliness. Now it seems there are never any replies.
Perhaps it’s the ‘honeymoon’ period over with. Perhaps I’m just being stupid about the whole thing. Or perhaps our moment has pass and it was all a big silly romantic holiday fling. At the moment, I do not know – and to be honest I am very confused by it all. But what it has brought smashing in to focus again is how foolish and shallow I am.
Before this madness, ‘er indoors and I had made a few plans for the next year. To be honest they were actually a few plans that I’d wished to try and accomplish this year, and he wanted / got bullied in to doing them with me. But now they just seem to be just distant ideals. When previously I was willing to put my plans in to reality for him, now the thought that I might have to put them in to action for myself is scary and unwelcomed… And I cannot explain why.
For now, I don’t think there is any answer for this madness of mine. Perhaps it’s my anxiety just playing tricks on me, and I’m just reading in to everything too much. But I wanted to acknowledge this point, this fact if you will, that I am more than happy to bend over backwards to help a friend, or put things in to action for someone I care about, but the thought about doing it for myself is seriously off-putting to the point where that it just won’t happen at all.