After visiting my lovely doctors on the 10th January, we decided that this would be the year of me slowly going back to work. To be honest I was rather anxious about it, and this didn’t change much as time went on.
It took almost a week for me to drive in to work [Saturday 15th] to hand over the latest doctors’ note and to discuss how we can work out how I would re-enter the world of employment again. I cannot really explain the reason behind this delay. I just didn’t, and still don’t feel ready to return.
Thankfully, the doctor has kindly restricted the amount of hours I am able to do for a period of time. But for me, it has only really been a short amount of time since I started receiving the support and services that I need to “get better” due to waiting lists. Before that I was just left to my own devices – which was rather scary in itself. So reluctantly I returned to work, note in hand hoping for the best.
My boss Rob and I have always got on well, and so sitting down with him to discuss how they could facilitate my return was almost painless. But returning today for my first shift back was a nightmare. I felt really uncomfortable and anxious the whole shift. I felt myself panicking, which made me panic cause I was panicking, and so the cycle started again. Even on the drive to work, and even walking to my car to drive in, I was feeling on edge. It was painful.
I return for my second shift back next Sunday, which means I have time to work out what happened and how to improve the situation. But I do not have counselling to support me until the February now, which is also concerning me.
So overall, it feels like I am one step forward, and two large steps back.